Sometimes, I Wonder…

 

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Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any limit to stupidity,
Though I have been, at times,
The biggest fool,
On the planet earth.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any beauty without imperfection,
Thought I disdain,
Imperfections in people,
Because of which I’ve suffered.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any alternative to boredom.
Though I have become the most,
Boring person I’ve known,
When I chose a monotonous life.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any end to hope.
Though I have lost the hope,
Of seeing light,
In darkness I chose to stroll in.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
An alternative to loneliness.
Though I have chosen it,
To stay away from negativity,
And loneliness itself evoked negativity.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
An unconditional acceptance.
Though I have judged people,
Realizing judgmental nature,
Never evokes acceptance for anyone.

And the crazy fact,
Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
A pure love that stems from heart,
Though I have used my mind,
To fall in love, and manipulate myself,
That it was a pure love.


(Image courtesy of tuelekza at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

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Do Birds Chirp There Similarly?

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Do you think of me, I wonder,
At the same time I think of you,
Since our parents locked us,
To feed their egos.

Do you cry like me?
Or your tears have soaked up,
When they overlooked love,
In the shadows of different castes.

Are you filled with hatred like me?
For those, who refused to,
Open their minds to accept,
What’s genuine over social stigmas.

Are you starving like me?
Because you don’t feel like eating,
And your parents still thinking,
About their reputation if we get married.

Does the sun shine there?
The way it shines here,
Asking for brightening up,
The life that has been fade.

Have dark clouds drifted across the sky?
The way it appears here,
Informing our parents, how they have
Drifted across the beauty of love.

Does the sun set there?
Without displaying colors on sky,
Suggesting how ugly it becomes,
If there are no colors of love in life.

Is the moon too bright there?
Trying to glow the earth,
Though he knows he can’t,
But giving us a hope in darkness.

Does the wind thrashes?
On closed doors and closed windows,
Indicating oppression can’t shatter,
And has no effects on the power of love.

The crazy fact is,
Do birds chirp there?
The way they chirp here,
Asking for liberation,
Of birds who have been caged.


 

(Image courtesy of domdeen at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Believe Me When I Say This

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Believe me when I say this,
You look stunning in those spectacles,
Your smile compliments your beauty,
And the way you caress your hair,
I lose track of time for some moments.

Believe me when I say this,
I was so nervous when I thought of,
Asking you to come with me,
On my bike to college.
As I noticed your home is near mine,

Believe me when I say this,
I never go to college on time,
But I like waiting for you at your place,
By coming five minutes earlier,
And fix my eyes for your first look.

Believe me when I say this,
I deliberately choose the route,
That has traffic every day,
And getting stuck in traffic,
Never felt so good before.

Believe me when I say this,
I turn petrol switch off,
And pretend that engine has problems,
So I can walk with you to garage,
And have conversations on the way.

Believe me when I say this,
I am never hungry while going back,
But stop at various restaurants,
To spend more time with you,
And try to know you more.

Believe me when I say this,
I try to get your attention,
By getting into your way in college,
And feign surprise on my face,
Like it is a coincidence.

Believe me when I say this,
I always think about you,
Even when you are not around,
And cherish all those moments,
To brighten my life.

The crazy fact,
Believe me when I say this,
I don’t know how,
But because of you,
Every moment of my life,
becomes so beautiful.


 

(Image courtesy of winnond at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Value Of A Green Colored Note

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Vehicles stopped as it turned red. Ignition was turned off. Drivers checked their phones to call back, office going people checked watches to know whether they were running late, and some were just looking around. The red light meant to stop for vehicles, but for that boy, it signaled to begin his work to earn daily bread. He was around 14 years old, wearing stained t-shirt & shorts, disheveled hair, and looked like he hadn’t had bath for days. Animal toys made up of plastic was the product he was selling. As he moved to every bike and car, his eyes radiated need. The need for two-time meal for him and his family. He didn’t utter a word, only showed toys. People either nodded in rejection or neglected. But he was going to everyone without worrying about their reactions.

As he approached a guy on bike, he encountered something he might have forgotten. That guy on bike smiled at him. The guy was around 30 years of age, fair, van-dyke beard, wore a casual shirt & a pair of jeans, and flipped up the front part of helmet. His eyes radiated fascination for the little boy. The boy would have never thought of this reaction. People either disdained or pitied him for having to do what he was doing. The guy stared for a moment and took out wallet from back pocket. The boy was looking at him with a hope. The guy took out a hundred rupee note and asked whether he has change. He nodded. He handed over a cat toy as the guy handed over the note.

The boy peered at that hundred rupee note in bewilderment and amusement. The guy asked him to hurry by pointing toward the signal lights. The boy took out notes from the pocket of shorts. The toy might have costed 10 or 20 rupees. The boy handed over only three 10 rupee notes, taking out one note at a time. The guy asked him to hurry as he noticed 12 seconds remaining. The boy looked puzzled for a moment. He didn’t even know how much should be returned. He took out another 10 rupee note and gestured that he doesn’t have more.

Other vehicles had its ignition turned on. As the guy noticed the light was about to turn green and other vehicles are on the verge of moving, he asked the boy to keep that note safely, kept the wallet in the back pocket, flipped down the front part of helmet, and moved ahead. The boy kept the note in the pocket and crossed the road by dodging vehicles. As I looked for the guy on bike, he disappeared in the middle of the raging vehicles.

I wondered why does people say that humanity has vanished. No, humanity is alive. Though it is not evident to naked eyes, but it evident when looked closely. No one knew the circumstances in which that little boy had to do what he was doing. No one cared whether he was getting enough food, but that guy cared. That guy was not concerned about the unreturned money. He knew the unreturned money will not much different in his life, but it surely does in that little boy’s life. The boy, who should be in school learning mathematics was earning daily bread. He was around 15 years of age and didn’t know mathematics implies that he has been doing this for years. These small incidents of humanity, care, and concern for those deprived ones show that humanity will not vanish.

The crazy fact is, the faith on humanity is restored when the green colored note teaches a lesson on humanity.


 

(Image courtesy of jiggoja at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

I Want To Escape From Reality

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This poem is so close to me. I wrote this on the beach while reflecting back on life.


 

Stumbling, shivering, and sweating,
I entered my home as mom opened the door,
Father wasn’t in the home,
She noticed uneasiness and asked what happened?
I got two backlogs, I informed.
It was the final year of engineering result.
She said very good, sarcastically.
Her sarcasm displayed disappointment & sorrow.
As she turned away, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I realized I made the stupidest choice,
By not studying in the final semester,
And when I realized I don’t know answers,
I left the answer sheet blank,
Instead of trying to write anything that pops out.
I made a decision based on mood at that time,
Not based on what’s necessary, and above all,
Those backlog subjects were electives, chosen by me,
But now, the time is gone, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was waiting only for father’s reaction on that evening,
I knew he will be furious and go berserk,
But, he didn’t utter a word when mom informed him.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed to confront him,
So I sat in another room, frightened and disturbed,
And the whole evening went by without a word,
The next day, without a word.
The whole week, without a word.
And I realized he gave up talking to me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The journey of a misery began,
As I wake up I tried to study but couldn’t focus,
So I started reading novels to find an escape,
Fiction was the only place where I could live peacefully,
The reality was brutal, the world turned upside down,
I was the elder son who made a big mistake,
And after graduation, elder son doesn’t sit in home jobless,
These social dogmas made every day more miserable,
How am I going the time till I get the job? I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I locked myself in the house for the day time,
Because if I go out, that aunty will ask, hey boy,
What are you doing with your life,
With those backlogs on sheet?
How your mother will find a bride for your marriage?
And my mother also avoided meeting them,
I hurt me a lot noticing my mother,
Making excuses to avoid meeting and their false sympathy.
Those aunties made every effort to embarrass me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the home, I couldn’t fight with my brother,
Because if I do that, he counters,
With only one question, do you have 50 Rupees?
I want to recharge my phone.
Oh, how would you have the money?
You are in home whole day due to backlogs.
And of course, you have no job,
So even if I think of stealing from your wallet,
I know you’ll find nothing, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was getting lonelier, but I had friends,
I thought they would understand me,
So I used to hang out with them,
And laugh uncontrollably and weirdly,
On the silliest jokes or without any jokes,
But they couldn’t identify it was sadness,
They said, you mad, stop being burden on your parents,
Oh, don’t think I need you the most right now, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I used to watch Suits, an American drama series,
I noticed the lead character, Harvey Spector,
He hides everything inside just like me,
Made morally wrong decisions just like me,
He is suffering for it just like me,
All the other lead characters follow this pattern,
And I started seeing myself in those characters,
I started living in that world and watching it over & over,
This is the perfect escape, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

How much I could watch, I need something else too,
I’ve been a fan of Eminem, the rapper Eminem,
But when I listened to him in those tough times,
I started relating to what he was saying in those songs,
I kept everything inside, and it felt like,
He is saying all those things I couldn’t,
He is expressing my feelings & emotions,
His raps helped me to relieve stress,
The music is healing me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

And only one hour in whole day gave me pleasure,
From 8 to 9 in the evening, when I played football,
I used to play like there is no tomorrow,
I lost myself in it and nothing mattered, but the moment,
I had no thoughts about my miserable life,
I used to live the whole day for that one hour only,
But as I lay on the ground after finishing play,
All those thoughts of misery used to emerge,
Why the time ran so fast in that hour, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The most embarrassing moment was asking money,
And hearing those giggles of younger brother,
While I used to ask to mom,
Father wasn’t talking to me at all,
And I was so ashamed and frightened,
To confront him and let his anger out,
Because I became so weak and lonely,
I could no longer bear more embarrassment, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the night, when everyone slept,
All the flashbacks of misery went through my mind,
So, I started jotting down my feelings in diaries,
I wrote stories, poems on loneliness as well,
Actually, the solitude was the gift for me,
I was at the peak of my creativity,
But these pieces of paper aren’t humans,
They don’t say I felt the same way,
Again I felt so isolated, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

These isolation, loneliness, and guilt,
They ruling my mind at that time,
When I used to go to bed and look at the life,
I just wanted to scream and scream loudly,
But I couldn’t, because I had to look nice & rational.
No one understood my guilt, my loneliness,
And I squeezed everything inside,
I want to get hurt so badly,
So I will scream in a rational way, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I cleared my backlogs somehow,
And got a freelancing job in writing,
Which I had to do from home only.
But no, this isn’t a real job, mom said,
This job saved a lot of embarrassment,
As I didn’t have to ask money to mom.
But father still talks to me through mom,
He doesn’t speak to me directly,
Even though I made up for my mistakes, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though these times helped me to get closer to me,
Helped to become more creative,
Helped me to become a better writer,
Helped me to know more about myself,
Helped me to know true face of people,
Helped me to learn a lot,
Helped me to realize the power of solitude,
But, I had no acceptance though I had a job,
The isolation and loneliness continue, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though I was earning money & lonely,
I stayed away from alcohol & drugs,
And all those things that helps people,
To escape from reality,
Because I didn’t want to hurt my parents anymore,
By coming home in a state I don’t know about,
I knew my mother hasn’t slept well,
And my father gave up talking to me,
I let them down, I cried.
I want to escape from reality.

And the day came, when my writing skills mattered,
I got the job in writing, a full-time job,
I have to go to office, 9-6,
And everything fell in place,
I got the job I wanted,
I knew engineering is not for me,
I will get acceptance gradually,
The only thing I craved for at that moment,
And I no longer had to escape from reality,

The crazy fact,
If there is anything I learnt,
From all these moments of struggle,
Misery, isolation, guilt, loneliness,
And laughing uncontrollably without reason,
From finding escape from reality,
To discovering what I want to do for life,
Is this,
It’s not what we do that makes us,
It’s the choices we make that shapes us.

As I Realized The Truth Doesn’t Have Shades

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As I woke up,
I noticed it was light outside,
Oh, no..!! I missed it.
I checked out time,
It was 6 in the morning.
Last time I saw,
It was 4:55 am and dark outside.

As my friends wanted this trip to beach,
For drinking and smoking,
And losing themselves.
For me, it was about,
Sitting at the shore alone,
And watching the transition,
From darkness to light.

As I decided not to sleep,
I couldn’t settle and gazed about those shades,
And everyone settled after showing,
New shades of their personalities
And reflecting on their lives.
I lay down for a moment,
And my eyes gave up.

As I missed that opportunity,
I thought I should see what’s left.
I noticed sun hasn’t risen yet,
So I can watch the palette of colors,
As sun rises on the horizon,
And water reflects those colors,
And I can reflect on my life.

As I rushed to the shore instantly,
I entered and stopped for a while,
Then, I realized eyes have limits.
They can see up to the horizon only,
So we have got imagination,
To see beyond horizon
And create an unimaginable world.

As I walked barefoot on white sand,
I could see a trail of footsteps,
Telling me, that’s what happens,
Wherever you go, whatever you do,
The trail will be left, though it’s unseen to you,
The footprints will remain in people’s minds,
About how you made them feel about themselves.

As I glanced at the sea,
The blustery winds blew my hair,
The turbulent and massive sea,
Was calling me out and mess with it,
And I thought of diving in the middle of it,
And what will happen to me,
The thought sent shivers down my spine.

As I saw the roaring waves coming and going,
What does that tell you?
The life is a turbulent sea,
These ebb tides and flood tides,
Are happiness and sadness.
They will come and go,
So stay strong, this, too, shall pass.

As I see no signs of sun,
It’s all white and black.
Then why am I here? I should go.
But it started drizzling instantly,
And I closed my eyes and felt every drop.
The sun was telling, by hiding behind clouds,
Forget everything and feel the moment.

As I heard a chirping sound,
I saw birds were hovering over,
Humming a tune in unison,
How beautiful it was!
Even though you don’t get what you want,
They were saying, there is always,
Something more beautiful awaiting you.

As I thought of going back to room,
Do I have anything more to see,
Anything new to experience?
And I realized what about reflecting,
Back on life and finding the truths,
And accepting them,
No matter how much I refuse to.

As I started contemplating,
I could see everything,
In white and black,
No complications, no manipulation,
A white truth about black reality,
It hits like a bullet,
Fired from a point black range.

As the crazy fact is,
The sun was making sure,
The shades he reflects on clouds,
Those black and white colors,
Helped me to get my mind straight,
Because the truth doesn’t have shades,
Only manipulation inserts shades in it.

What Makes Us Fortunate

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Rakshit saw her as she entered examination hall. She was accompanied by her father. As she reached her seat, her father embraced her affectionately and wished a good luck for exams. She smiled back and thanked. She was sitting on the bench parallel to his and a row separated their rows. Rakshit was already sitting on his seat nervously, trying to read the state of mind of everyone who entered the hall. It was a national examination, and seating arrangements were made in such a way that nobody knew anyone in the examination hall. This was the type of exam which had power to change the fate of every student who opted. All the material he brought for revision was in the bag outside the hall. He could not focus on anything out of anxiety.

For a moment, he forgot about the exam and stared them. The girl and her father were interacting cheerfully. He wasn’t concerned about the exam at that moment, but engrossed in their conversation. Her father was cheering her up and giving confidence, he sensed. He could see her father’s eyes filled with love more than anything else and she responded with same emotions. Her father left, but he was still staring her. It wasn’t about the fact that she was beautiful. It was about the bonding she had with her father. For a moment he thought, what would have happened if his father was there with him. Although his father dropped him at the examination center, he knew the truth that he never had this kind of connection with his father. She looked around and their gazes met. Rakshit looked around instantly. As he sensed she wasn’t looking at him, he again started staring her.

The supervisor entered and he got back to reality. He glanced her and smiled for a second. When the supervisor was handing over question papers and answer sheet, he made up his mind to focus on the purpose for which he was there. His mind shifted to solving questions on the sheet as the bell rang. Till the last bell, his focus was on solving question paper.

As he handed over answer sheet, he felt relieved. After putting months of hard work in that two hours, he made his mind to enjoy next two months. But, he wasn’t ready for what came to his mind the very next moment as he saw examiner collecting her answer sheet. Those scenes reappeared. That affectionate hug. That adorable smile. Those eyes filled with love. And that conversation which only reflected love. She found him staring her again. He looked around again. He didn’t stop staring . As she looked at him, he pretended that he caught her gaze coincidently. She rushed out immediately as supervisor collected everyone’s answer sheet.

****

Rakshit came out of college happily, imagining what he will do in next two months. His father dropped him for the exam, but he had to return home in a bus. As he came out, he saw her waiting for someone. He knew that she was waiting for her father. He took a position from where he could see her but she couldn’t see him. For next five minutes, no one appeared. He saw no signs of hurry or worry on her face. So, he thought she knew her father will be coming late. It was surprising for him to see her waiting for her father after seeing such care and affection before the exam began. He thought of approaching her, but he considered that thought as crazy. Then, another thought popped in his mind. Why was she waiting there? So, he finally approached her to ask her about her relationship with father.

‘Hello,’ Rakshit said.
‘Hi,’ she replied, coyly.
‘You are so lucky,’ he said, firmly.
She looked puzzled at him.
‘And strong too.’
She was perplexed.
‘Ohh, I’m sorry. We were in same exam hall. I observed you and your father before the exam. I saw how he treated you. It was like you were his angel. The affection with which he hugged you. The confidence with which he motivated you before the exam. The love that was flowing through his eyes. The adoration you had for him. Everything was perfect.’
‘Alright. But why were you observing us?’
‘The moment I saw you entering with your father and the connection you had, it showed how lucky you are to have a father like him. He made you a strong girl, undoubtedly. I wish I had that kind of connection with my father.’
There was a moment of silence. Rakshit’s confrontation made her feel uncomfortable. She was quietly staring him. He thought why he was admitting this to a stranger. He became quiet after realizing that his emotions ruled him. In the end, she broke that awkward silence.
‘Aren’t you strong?’ she asked.
‘No, I am not.’
‘Why? Admitting this to a stranger is a sign of a strong person.’
‘Ohh, I’m so sorry. I got carried away by my emotions. From the childhood, my father tried to make me a perfect person. He wanted to make me what he wanted me to be. A smart, intelligent, practical guy who is so mentally strong. And his reprimanding, his demeanor when I make a mistake, and his strict approach has made me weaker. I have no self-respect, no confidence, and I always second-guess myself. See, right now. I’m an emotional fool who got carried away by seeing an interaction between a father and a daughter. And admitting this to a stranger. I apologize I took your time. Extremely sorry.’
He started walking away in agitation.
‘It wasn’t my father, but the divorce made me a strong girl,’ she shouted.
He stopped instantly.
‘Yes, it was their divorce.’
He looked back and walked toward her with heavy steps.
‘I was in third standard when my parents divorced. My father took my custody and my mother took custody of my younger brother.’
‘I’m so sorry I reminded you this.’
‘No, not a problem. I’m used to it. Is your parents together?’
‘Yes.’
‘You are a lucky guy.’
Both of them became quiet for a moment. Rakshit was lost in his thoughts.
‘Hello, dad! What’s up?’ She said to her father who arrived to break that awkward silence.
‘Sorry, my dear. I’m late,’ said her father.
‘No problem, dad. Let’s go. Exams over, let’s have fun.’
She waved him goodbye and engaged in witty bantering with her father. He waved back with a glowing smile.
The crazy fact is, every person is fortunate in its own way. The difference lies in knowing what makes us fortunate.


 

(Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

What Else You Need

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His hands were shivering, voice was shaking, held tears to show he was strong, and murmured softly that he was thankful for everything. For the last time, he made an attempt to hide his emotional side by saying he had nothing to say anymore. All of his friends who made sure he stayed happy for a whole day, were eagerly waiting to listen to his feelings as they finished expressing what they felt for him.

Everyone knew how hard he needed to work to support his family. His father passed away when he was only 10. The responsibility of his mother and two younger sisters was on his shoulders. He had been through a lot. So, they made sure he doesn’t hide his emotions as he usually does.

He had no choice than to open his heart out. As he opened his heart, his eyes opened the way for tears. He glanced everyone with his wept eyes. He could only see love flowing out of eyes of every friend. Although he was 24 now, how could he find words when his friends made him feel so special, showered so much of love that he didn’t even know whether he was worthy of it. The day was unexpected and overwhelming for him.

He was so touched after listening what everyone felt about him. Eventually, he found some words and talked about his struggles and their support on every step. Wiping away his tears, taking deep breaths, and looking tenderly at everyone, he concluded in only one line, “What else you need on your birthday!” And the crazy fact, he smiled and everyone else was in tears.

Unreciprocated Love

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I gestured shopkeeper,
My forefinger and middle finger,
Forming a V-shape,
All other fingers rolled in toward palm,
He brought two Chocolate Cadburys,
It was my routine while going to college.

That’s when I saw her,
I don’t like chocolate at all,
Get me a milk Cadbury,
She declared to her friend.
I was astonished to hear that.
After all, who doesn’t like chocolate?

My love for chocolate was endless.
I could not live without chocolate.
And she didn’t like chocolate at all,
She demanded milk Cadbury,
And I don’t like milk at all,
I smiled to myself, startled.

She was a new girl in our colony.
Beautiful, jovial, assertive, and bubbly.
Her brash and carefree stance,
Was enough for me to fall in love.
I was intense, more formal, and quiet.
When alone, I couldn’t help myself, but blush.

After all, how a relationship would grow,
Without two people with opposite personalities,
Complete each other,
Complement each other,
And fall in love with,
Everything they are not.

And we fell in love,
I can’t tell you how it happened,
Because I start blushing as I reminisce,
Everything happened to me,
For the first time,
She was my first love.

Those feelings can’t be described,
When we walked together holding hands,
When we smiled on each other’s weirdness,
When we looked in each other’s eyes fondly,
When we watched sunset silently,
When we appreciated each other’s individuality.

And… That one day,
When she told me she was leaving me,
Her parents found a match for her,
He was an NRI, working in foreign countries,
He was indeed better for their prestige,
But that was for her parents.

I was a simple guy, having a decent job,
After all, I had unlimited love for her.
But, I was shattered when she said,
I am leaving you for him, I tried to convince,
I will reach that level, just give me some time,
But, she left me with nothing, but shattered dreams.

And… Now,
The love for chocolates has ended, permanently.
Every time I think of eating chocolates,
It reminds me of the girl,
Whom I loved unconditionally,
Whom I accepted as the way she was.

Even though I eat it,
The sweetness has become sour,
The essence of cocoa has disappeared.
The passion with which I ate, is no more,
Though shopkeeper is offering for free now,
But the vehemence for chocolates has been dissolved.

How a person can change someone’s life?
How a person can make the world upside down?
Why a person can’t wait?
Why a person runs behind an oasis?
Is it my fault to choose love above all?
Is it my mistake to fall for everything I am not?

The crazy fact,
We were same,
We both fell in love,
With everything ‘I’ am not.
For me, it was about nature,
But for her, it was about bank account.


 

(Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)