I Want To Escape From Reality

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This poem is so close to me. I wrote this on the beach while reflecting back on life.


 

Stumbling, shivering, and sweating,
I entered my home as mom opened the door,
Father wasn’t in the home,
She noticed uneasiness and asked what happened?
I got two backlogs, I informed.
It was the final year of engineering result.
She said very good, sarcastically.
Her sarcasm displayed disappointment & sorrow.
As she turned away, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I realized I made the stupidest choice,
By not studying in the final semester,
And when I realized I don’t know answers,
I left the answer sheet blank,
Instead of trying to write anything that pops out.
I made a decision based on mood at that time,
Not based on what’s necessary, and above all,
Those backlog subjects were electives, chosen by me,
But now, the time is gone, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was waiting only for father’s reaction on that evening,
I knew he will be furious and go berserk,
But, he didn’t utter a word when mom informed him.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed to confront him,
So I sat in another room, frightened and disturbed,
And the whole evening went by without a word,
The next day, without a word.
The whole week, without a word.
And I realized he gave up talking to me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The journey of a misery began,
As I wake up I tried to study but couldn’t focus,
So I started reading novels to find an escape,
Fiction was the only place where I could live peacefully,
The reality was brutal, the world turned upside down,
I was the elder son who made a big mistake,
And after graduation, elder son doesn’t sit in home jobless,
These social dogmas made every day more miserable,
How am I going the time till I get the job? I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I locked myself in the house for the day time,
Because if I go out, that aunty will ask, hey boy,
What are you doing with your life,
With those backlogs on sheet?
How your mother will find a bride for your marriage?
And my mother also avoided meeting them,
I hurt me a lot noticing my mother,
Making excuses to avoid meeting and their false sympathy.
Those aunties made every effort to embarrass me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the home, I couldn’t fight with my brother,
Because if I do that, he counters,
With only one question, do you have 50 Rupees?
I want to recharge my phone.
Oh, how would you have the money?
You are in home whole day due to backlogs.
And of course, you have no job,
So even if I think of stealing from your wallet,
I know you’ll find nothing, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was getting lonelier, but I had friends,
I thought they would understand me,
So I used to hang out with them,
And laugh uncontrollably and weirdly,
On the silliest jokes or without any jokes,
But they couldn’t identify it was sadness,
They said, you mad, stop being burden on your parents,
Oh, don’t think I need you the most right now, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I used to watch Suits, an American drama series,
I noticed the lead character, Harvey Spector,
He hides everything inside just like me,
Made morally wrong decisions just like me,
He is suffering for it just like me,
All the other lead characters follow this pattern,
And I started seeing myself in those characters,
I started living in that world and watching it over & over,
This is the perfect escape, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

How much I could watch, I need something else too,
I’ve been a fan of Eminem, the rapper Eminem,
But when I listened to him in those tough times,
I started relating to what he was saying in those songs,
I kept everything inside, and it felt like,
He is saying all those things I couldn’t,
He is expressing my feelings & emotions,
His raps helped me to relieve stress,
The music is healing me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

And only one hour in whole day gave me pleasure,
From 8 to 9 in the evening, when I played football,
I used to play like there is no tomorrow,
I lost myself in it and nothing mattered, but the moment,
I had no thoughts about my miserable life,
I used to live the whole day for that one hour only,
But as I lay on the ground after finishing play,
All those thoughts of misery used to emerge,
Why the time ran so fast in that hour, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The most embarrassing moment was asking money,
And hearing those giggles of younger brother,
While I used to ask to mom,
Father wasn’t talking to me at all,
And I was so ashamed and frightened,
To confront him and let his anger out,
Because I became so weak and lonely,
I could no longer bear more embarrassment, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the night, when everyone slept,
All the flashbacks of misery went through my mind,
So, I started jotting down my feelings in diaries,
I wrote stories, poems on loneliness as well,
Actually, the solitude was the gift for me,
I was at the peak of my creativity,
But these pieces of paper aren’t humans,
They don’t say I felt the same way,
Again I felt so isolated, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

These isolation, loneliness, and guilt,
They ruling my mind at that time,
When I used to go to bed and look at the life,
I just wanted to scream and scream loudly,
But I couldn’t, because I had to look nice & rational.
No one understood my guilt, my loneliness,
And I squeezed everything inside,
I want to get hurt so badly,
So I will scream in a rational way, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I cleared my backlogs somehow,
And got a freelancing job in writing,
Which I had to do from home only.
But no, this isn’t a real job, mom said,
This job saved a lot of embarrassment,
As I didn’t have to ask money to mom.
But father still talks to me through mom,
He doesn’t speak to me directly,
Even though I made up for my mistakes, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though these times helped me to get closer to me,
Helped to become more creative,
Helped me to become a better writer,
Helped me to know more about myself,
Helped me to know true face of people,
Helped me to learn a lot,
Helped me to realize the power of solitude,
But, I had no acceptance though I had a job,
The isolation and loneliness continue, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though I was earning money & lonely,
I stayed away from alcohol & drugs,
And all those things that helps people,
To escape from reality,
Because I didn’t want to hurt my parents anymore,
By coming home in a state I don’t know about,
I knew my mother hasn’t slept well,
And my father gave up talking to me,
I let them down, I cried.
I want to escape from reality.

And the day came, when my writing skills mattered,
I got the job in writing, a full-time job,
I have to go to office, 9-6,
And everything fell in place,
I got the job I wanted,
I knew engineering is not for me,
I will get acceptance gradually,
The only thing I craved for at that moment,
And I no longer had to escape from reality,

The crazy fact,
If there is anything I learnt,
From all these moments of struggle,
Misery, isolation, guilt, loneliness,
And laughing uncontrollably without reason,
From finding escape from reality,
To discovering what I want to do for life,
Is this,
It’s not what we do that makes us,
It’s the choices we make that shapes us.

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All Of My Life, I Waited…

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All of my life,
I waited for that hello,
And your charming smile
That blossoms with it,
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited for to listen,
That song you always hummed
With your melodious voice,
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited to make that eye contact,
And pretend like we caught
Each other’s gazes coincidently,
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited for that spontaneity,
With which, you reacted
To my silly jokes.
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited to suffer with you,
When you expressed your feelings
In anger or frustration or anxiety.
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited to enjoy with you,
When your hard work and dedication
Resulted in your glories and achievements.
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited to attain perfection,
And, you made me realize that
Only you made me perfect.
But, you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited to fall in love again and again,
With your flaws and weaknesses,
I just wanted you to be yourself, always.
But you never cared.

All of my life,
I waited for that one gesture,
When you express your love
Openly and wholeheartedly,
But, you never cared.

But you,

You only cared about being a nice girl,
And they forced you to marry,
A guy who didn’t even know you beyond your beauty.

You only cared about being a nice girl,
For those who didn’t care about you.
But, only cared about social dogmas.

You only cared about being a nice girl,
See where it has gotten you,
They get angry at you when you try to be who you are.

And the crazy fact,

You only cared about being a nice girl,
Left me, took my love and my feelings for granted,
And now… they have taken your existence for granted.


 

Also check out the sequel of this post – All Of My Life, I Waited Too…

(Image courtesy of tuelekza at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

When The Time for Resurrection Will Come?

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Living this way has torn me.
No hope, no light is evident,
No ray of opportunity,
Only diving deep into darkness
Of invisible realms,
No energy left, no enthusiasm,
Wishing for easy way out
Only hoping for the time of resurrection.

Finding out how that brave found courage
To live their purpose.
I got no fight left in me,
No trust in me, No optimism in me,
Only a mind, filled with envy
For those who made it.
Only expectation of the time of resurrection.

Finding excuses for not doing anything,
Over thinking, over analyzing,
Imagining worst case scenario.
I only desire to destroy everything
To divert from all the nonsense,
Finding a way to convince myself
How my situation is different,
Why I should not do it,
Why I should not take a small step
To reduce the intensity of my misery.
How they could do it and I couldn’t
But I will do it one day,
After the time of resurrection.

No matter how much I read, or listen
Those inspirational books,
Those motivational speeches,
I lost my mind though,
No reaction to those great thoughts,
No implementation of those good intentions,
Just go for a walk into the unknown,
Imaging what I will do
Once I resurrect!

I tried to forget the important.
Life is too short to worry.
So, just lose it and go berserk,
Because, in the end,
whatever I do,
All will be gone with me.
Nothing is going to matter
When I’m gone!
After some mourning, and sobbing
Everyone else will carry on,
Is the resurrection worth it?

But why I want to resurrect,
Why to make some efforts,
To make something beautiful?
Something bigger than myself?
What am I going to do with it?
Help people who don’t care
What’s happening with me.
Or for people,
Who wants me to bend as per their will.
I don’t want to resurrect!

So, I destroyed myself,
No longer suffering, no misery,
But, everything went wrong,
Nothing finished, it just got more complicated!
And then I realized,
Even though, I thought,
Nothing will matter,
But only ‘being there’ matters,
My inaction was responsible,
For not being able to resurrect!

And the crazy fact is,
The time for resurrection does not come
Until a shovel of ‘massive actions’ is used
To dig the grave of ‘misery’.


 

(Image Courtesy of iosphere at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)