The World is Bitter for a Bride-To-Be

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It started three years ago. The search for groom. Searching online, telling relatives, meeting some of the guys, Kundali matching, question-answer sessions, and everything related to arrange marriage. When I showed green signal to get married, I was treated like a princess who is now a bride-to-be.

But it has been three years now. One thing that has not been changed is my marital status. I’m still unmarried. But there is one thing that has changed. The attitude of my parents toward me.

They have become so superstitious. Wear a ring with a shining aqua blue colored stone to get married soon, use some yellow colored powder while bathing, and keep a fast on Thursdays, and what not. Then consulting a marriage counselor, spending money unnecessarily on their already known & implemented tips, and many unnecessary ideas they ask to implement.

One of their ideas was a brand new photo shoot. My mother brought two new dresses, asked to wear both turn by turn, and took photos in every possible pose. While giving poses, they suggested nearly 100 postures and prompted every single change their mind can think of. Then they checked out their clicks and were unsatisfied. So, they took me to a professional photographer. While going at the studio, I felt like I am a product in the market which will be cleaned, well-furnished, polished, and kept on the shelf in the most presentable way. During the photo shoot, I could see my eyes were heavy and teary. Like those eyeballs will pop out at any moment. Still, they suggested and prompted poses and postures. And photo shoot was carried out.

Everything has changed. My parents have become desperate and always hover over me to find a groom and get married. I don’t feel like staying at home because I feel miserable. I avoid talking to them and talk only when they ask me something. The world seems bitter now. Because, the precious princess has turned into a burdensome bride-to-be. Maybe the world is not bitter, but my parents are. And they are world to me, no matter how they treat me. So yes, the world is bitter. Bitter for a bride-to-be.

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You Are A Quiet Guy

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You don’t talk much,
You are a quiet guy, they said.
Quite unaware of endless conversations,
I’m having in my head.

I Want To Escape From Reality

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This poem is so close to me. I wrote this on the beach while reflecting back on life.


 

Stumbling, shivering, and sweating,
I entered my home as mom opened the door,
Father wasn’t in the home,
She noticed uneasiness and asked what happened?
I got two backlogs, I informed.
It was the final year of engineering result.
She said very good, sarcastically.
Her sarcasm displayed disappointment & sorrow.
As she turned away, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I realized I made the stupidest choice,
By not studying in the final semester,
And when I realized I don’t know answers,
I left the answer sheet blank,
Instead of trying to write anything that pops out.
I made a decision based on mood at that time,
Not based on what’s necessary, and above all,
Those backlog subjects were electives, chosen by me,
But now, the time is gone, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was waiting only for father’s reaction on that evening,
I knew he will be furious and go berserk,
But, he didn’t utter a word when mom informed him.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed to confront him,
So I sat in another room, frightened and disturbed,
And the whole evening went by without a word,
The next day, without a word.
The whole week, without a word.
And I realized he gave up talking to me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The journey of a misery began,
As I wake up I tried to study but couldn’t focus,
So I started reading novels to find an escape,
Fiction was the only place where I could live peacefully,
The reality was brutal, the world turned upside down,
I was the elder son who made a big mistake,
And after graduation, elder son doesn’t sit in home jobless,
These social dogmas made every day more miserable,
How am I going the time till I get the job? I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I locked myself in the house for the day time,
Because if I go out, that aunty will ask, hey boy,
What are you doing with your life,
With those backlogs on sheet?
How your mother will find a bride for your marriage?
And my mother also avoided meeting them,
I hurt me a lot noticing my mother,
Making excuses to avoid meeting and their false sympathy.
Those aunties made every effort to embarrass me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the home, I couldn’t fight with my brother,
Because if I do that, he counters,
With only one question, do you have 50 Rupees?
I want to recharge my phone.
Oh, how would you have the money?
You are in home whole day due to backlogs.
And of course, you have no job,
So even if I think of stealing from your wallet,
I know you’ll find nothing, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was getting lonelier, but I had friends,
I thought they would understand me,
So I used to hang out with them,
And laugh uncontrollably and weirdly,
On the silliest jokes or without any jokes,
But they couldn’t identify it was sadness,
They said, you mad, stop being burden on your parents,
Oh, don’t think I need you the most right now, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I used to watch Suits, an American drama series,
I noticed the lead character, Harvey Spector,
He hides everything inside just like me,
Made morally wrong decisions just like me,
He is suffering for it just like me,
All the other lead characters follow this pattern,
And I started seeing myself in those characters,
I started living in that world and watching it over & over,
This is the perfect escape, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

How much I could watch, I need something else too,
I’ve been a fan of Eminem, the rapper Eminem,
But when I listened to him in those tough times,
I started relating to what he was saying in those songs,
I kept everything inside, and it felt like,
He is saying all those things I couldn’t,
He is expressing my feelings & emotions,
His raps helped me to relieve stress,
The music is healing me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

And only one hour in whole day gave me pleasure,
From 8 to 9 in the evening, when I played football,
I used to play like there is no tomorrow,
I lost myself in it and nothing mattered, but the moment,
I had no thoughts about my miserable life,
I used to live the whole day for that one hour only,
But as I lay on the ground after finishing play,
All those thoughts of misery used to emerge,
Why the time ran so fast in that hour, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The most embarrassing moment was asking money,
And hearing those giggles of younger brother,
While I used to ask to mom,
Father wasn’t talking to me at all,
And I was so ashamed and frightened,
To confront him and let his anger out,
Because I became so weak and lonely,
I could no longer bear more embarrassment, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the night, when everyone slept,
All the flashbacks of misery went through my mind,
So, I started jotting down my feelings in diaries,
I wrote stories, poems on loneliness as well,
Actually, the solitude was the gift for me,
I was at the peak of my creativity,
But these pieces of paper aren’t humans,
They don’t say I felt the same way,
Again I felt so isolated, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

These isolation, loneliness, and guilt,
They ruling my mind at that time,
When I used to go to bed and look at the life,
I just wanted to scream and scream loudly,
But I couldn’t, because I had to look nice & rational.
No one understood my guilt, my loneliness,
And I squeezed everything inside,
I want to get hurt so badly,
So I will scream in a rational way, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I cleared my backlogs somehow,
And got a freelancing job in writing,
Which I had to do from home only.
But no, this isn’t a real job, mom said,
This job saved a lot of embarrassment,
As I didn’t have to ask money to mom.
But father still talks to me through mom,
He doesn’t speak to me directly,
Even though I made up for my mistakes, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though these times helped me to get closer to me,
Helped to become more creative,
Helped me to become a better writer,
Helped me to know more about myself,
Helped me to know true face of people,
Helped me to learn a lot,
Helped me to realize the power of solitude,
But, I had no acceptance though I had a job,
The isolation and loneliness continue, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though I was earning money & lonely,
I stayed away from alcohol & drugs,
And all those things that helps people,
To escape from reality,
Because I didn’t want to hurt my parents anymore,
By coming home in a state I don’t know about,
I knew my mother hasn’t slept well,
And my father gave up talking to me,
I let them down, I cried.
I want to escape from reality.

And the day came, when my writing skills mattered,
I got the job in writing, a full-time job,
I have to go to office, 9-6,
And everything fell in place,
I got the job I wanted,
I knew engineering is not for me,
I will get acceptance gradually,
The only thing I craved for at that moment,
And I no longer had to escape from reality,

The crazy fact,
If there is anything I learnt,
From all these moments of struggle,
Misery, isolation, guilt, loneliness,
And laughing uncontrollably without reason,
From finding escape from reality,
To discovering what I want to do for life,
Is this,
It’s not what we do that makes us,
It’s the choices we make that shapes us.

As I Realized The Truth Doesn’t Have Shades

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As I woke up,
I noticed it was light outside,
Oh, no..!! I missed it.
I checked out time,
It was 6 in the morning.
Last time I saw,
It was 4:55 am and dark outside.

As my friends wanted this trip to beach,
For drinking and smoking,
And losing themselves.
For me, it was about,
Sitting at the shore alone,
And watching the transition,
From darkness to light.

As I decided not to sleep,
I couldn’t settle and gazed about those shades,
And everyone settled after showing,
New shades of their personalities
And reflecting on their lives.
I lay down for a moment,
And my eyes gave up.

As I missed that opportunity,
I thought I should see what’s left.
I noticed sun hasn’t risen yet,
So I can watch the palette of colors,
As sun rises on the horizon,
And water reflects those colors,
And I can reflect on my life.

As I rushed to the shore instantly,
I entered and stopped for a while,
Then, I realized eyes have limits.
They can see up to the horizon only,
So we have got imagination,
To see beyond horizon
And create an unimaginable world.

As I walked barefoot on white sand,
I could see a trail of footsteps,
Telling me, that’s what happens,
Wherever you go, whatever you do,
The trail will be left, though it’s unseen to you,
The footprints will remain in people’s minds,
About how you made them feel about themselves.

As I glanced at the sea,
The blustery winds blew my hair,
The turbulent and massive sea,
Was calling me out and mess with it,
And I thought of diving in the middle of it,
And what will happen to me,
The thought sent shivers down my spine.

As I saw the roaring waves coming and going,
What does that tell you?
The life is a turbulent sea,
These ebb tides and flood tides,
Are happiness and sadness.
They will come and go,
So stay strong, this, too, shall pass.

As I see no signs of sun,
It’s all white and black.
Then why am I here? I should go.
But it started drizzling instantly,
And I closed my eyes and felt every drop.
The sun was telling, by hiding behind clouds,
Forget everything and feel the moment.

As I heard a chirping sound,
I saw birds were hovering over,
Humming a tune in unison,
How beautiful it was!
Even though you don’t get what you want,
They were saying, there is always,
Something more beautiful awaiting you.

As I thought of going back to room,
Do I have anything more to see,
Anything new to experience?
And I realized what about reflecting,
Back on life and finding the truths,
And accepting them,
No matter how much I refuse to.

As I started contemplating,
I could see everything,
In white and black,
No complications, no manipulation,
A white truth about black reality,
It hits like a bullet,
Fired from a point black range.

As the crazy fact is,
The sun was making sure,
The shades he reflects on clouds,
Those black and white colors,
Helped me to get my mind straight,
Because the truth doesn’t have shades,
Only manipulation inserts shades in it.

When The Time for Resurrection Will Come?

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Living this way has torn me.
No hope, no light is evident,
No ray of opportunity,
Only diving deep into darkness
Of invisible realms,
No energy left, no enthusiasm,
Wishing for easy way out
Only hoping for the time of resurrection.

Finding out how that brave found courage
To live their purpose.
I got no fight left in me,
No trust in me, No optimism in me,
Only a mind, filled with envy
For those who made it.
Only expectation of the time of resurrection.

Finding excuses for not doing anything,
Over thinking, over analyzing,
Imagining worst case scenario.
I only desire to destroy everything
To divert from all the nonsense,
Finding a way to convince myself
How my situation is different,
Why I should not do it,
Why I should not take a small step
To reduce the intensity of my misery.
How they could do it and I couldn’t
But I will do it one day,
After the time of resurrection.

No matter how much I read, or listen
Those inspirational books,
Those motivational speeches,
I lost my mind though,
No reaction to those great thoughts,
No implementation of those good intentions,
Just go for a walk into the unknown,
Imaging what I will do
Once I resurrect!

I tried to forget the important.
Life is too short to worry.
So, just lose it and go berserk,
Because, in the end,
whatever I do,
All will be gone with me.
Nothing is going to matter
When I’m gone!
After some mourning, and sobbing
Everyone else will carry on,
Is the resurrection worth it?

But why I want to resurrect,
Why to make some efforts,
To make something beautiful?
Something bigger than myself?
What am I going to do with it?
Help people who don’t care
What’s happening with me.
Or for people,
Who wants me to bend as per their will.
I don’t want to resurrect!

So, I destroyed myself,
No longer suffering, no misery,
But, everything went wrong,
Nothing finished, it just got more complicated!
And then I realized,
Even though, I thought,
Nothing will matter,
But only ‘being there’ matters,
My inaction was responsible,
For not being able to resurrect!

And the crazy fact is,
The time for resurrection does not come
Until a shovel of ‘massive actions’ is used
To dig the grave of ‘misery’.


 

(Image Courtesy of iosphere at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

I Hate To Be A Nice Guy

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A nice guy, who is always agreeable
Not because he doesn’t have an opinion
But because he respects opinion of others
And they think he agrees with what they say,
Do whatever they do, follow what they follow,
But when he expresses his opinion, counters their opinions,
They think he’s being irrational, eccentric,
He’s being weird, strange; no one wants his different opinion
They all get mad at him, inside their mind, they are saying
Something is wrong with him; we didn’t expect it from him,
Well, he is a nice guy, why is he behaving so strange?
He is not allowed to be himself or take a stand,
Those eyes saying you are not anymore the guy you used to be
And I hate to be that nice guy in the first place.

A nice guy, who doesn’t say anything
When others are talking about someone,
Behind their backs, discussing their shortcomings,
He wants to stay away from negativity,
So he stays silent, and that silence is misinterpreted
As he thinks the same way we think about them
Someone sells everyone out and informs the guy,
What they were talking about him and his demeanor
With anger taking hold of his mind, he rushes to confront,
But finds someone easier to do blame, of course, that nice guy,
Spit out everything on him to empty his mind,
But the nice guy doesn’t say a word,
He understands this is not the right time to solve the misunderstanding
But he has to hear those hurtful words,
I didn’t expect it from you; you are a nice guy, not like those guys
And I hate to be that nice guy in the first place.

A nice guy, who always obeys his parents,
Do not misbehave, good in studies, no complaints from teachers,
Always following the system, not doing anything naughty,
Or something that his parents wouldn’t allow,
One day, he finds something he loves,
Something that he is so passionate about,
Something that takes his sleep away,
He wants to follow his dream, do what he loves to do,
But his parents do not allow it on terms of not being realistic,
Even after persistent requests, they are not ready to understand him
He is forced to do what they think is right,
Because he never did something against their wish,
This time will not be an exception,
Because he is always been a nice guy, and never rebelled,
And I hate to that nice guy in the first place.

A nice guy, who admires that beautiful girl
Treats her with respect and generosity,
Listens to her small things, even though it doesn’t matter to him,
She shares everything with him; he helps her in every way possible,
Never try to show-off or pretends to be a flirt,
But in the process, falls in love with her spontaneity, her smartness,
When expresses his feelings to her,
All he gets is, I don’t look at you that way,
And an assurance from her that
Someday, he will get a very nice girl
Gets friendzoned or brozoned,
In a meantime, showing her boyfriend’s picture,
Asks how’s my handsome hunk? Isn’t he cute?
Yes, he is, is my diplomatic response
Until I notice his cool sports bike & Armani shoes,
He has to make those genuine feelings disappear,
And I hate to be that nice guy in the first place.

A nice guy, who knows what’s going on in
His friends’ mind, life & can spot a little change in behavior
Who listens to their feelings and stay calm when they are angry
They take out their frustration on him,
Speak their heart out, he listens intently,
Assists in solving their problems, clean their mess
But when he is angry and emotional, they ask him to keep quiet
Or make fun of his display of emotions,
He is not allowed to take his frustration, his anger out,
They take his feelings for granted, do not respect those,
No one is ready to give an ear to listen what he has to say
Not interested to understand what’s going on in his mind,
He’s taken for granted for always being sweet and smiling,
And I hate to be that nice guy in the first place.

A nice guy, who becomes lonely inside,
Wishes to become The Joker from The Dark Knight,
Plans to form a network of all other nice guys,
To wear an actual mask to unmask every truth,
To clear every misunderstanding in a hostile way,
By choosing the path of destruction,
The world doesn’t get them when they are being nice
Maybe the other way will do it,
Though he has a dark side, but can’t choose the path of destruction,
And the crazy fact, this time, it’s not people,
But him, who doesn’t expect ‘that’ from him,
And again, I hate to be that nice guy in the first place.


 

(Image courtesy of artur84 at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)