You Are A Quiet Guy

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You don’t talk much,
You are a quiet guy, they said.
Quite unaware of endless conversations,
I’m having in my head.

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Sometimes, I Wonder…

 

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Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any limit to stupidity,
Though I have been, at times,
The biggest fool,
On the planet earth.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any beauty without imperfection,
Thought I disdain,
Imperfections in people,
Because of which I’ve suffered.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any alternative to boredom.
Though I have become the most,
Boring person I’ve known,
When I chose a monotonous life.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
Any end to hope.
Though I have lost the hope,
Of seeing light,
In darkness I chose to stroll in.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
An alternative to loneliness.
Though I have chosen it,
To stay away from negativity,
And loneliness itself evoked negativity.

Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
An unconditional acceptance.
Though I have judged people,
Realizing judgmental nature,
Never evokes acceptance for anyone.

And the crazy fact,
Sometimes, all I ever do is,
Wonder whether there is,
A pure love that stems from heart,
Though I have used my mind,
To fall in love, and manipulate myself,
That it was a pure love.


(Image courtesy of tuelekza at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Do Birds Chirp There Similarly?

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Do you think of me, I wonder,
At the same time I think of you,
Since our parents locked us,
To feed their egos.

Do you cry like me?
Or your tears have soaked up,
When they overlooked love,
In the shadows of different castes.

Are you filled with hatred like me?
For those, who refused to,
Open their minds to accept,
What’s genuine over social stigmas.

Are you starving like me?
Because you don’t feel like eating,
And your parents still thinking,
About their reputation if we get married.

Does the sun shine there?
The way it shines here,
Asking for brightening up,
The life that has been fade.

Have dark clouds drifted across the sky?
The way it appears here,
Informing our parents, how they have
Drifted across the beauty of love.

Does the sun set there?
Without displaying colors on sky,
Suggesting how ugly it becomes,
If there are no colors of love in life.

Is the moon too bright there?
Trying to glow the earth,
Though he knows he can’t,
But giving us a hope in darkness.

Does the wind thrashes?
On closed doors and closed windows,
Indicating oppression can’t shatter,
And has no effects on the power of love.

The crazy fact is,
Do birds chirp there?
The way they chirp here,
Asking for liberation,
Of birds who have been caged.


 

(Image courtesy of domdeen at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Value Of A Green Colored Note

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Vehicles stopped as it turned red. Ignition was turned off. Drivers checked their phones to call back, office going people checked watches to know whether they were running late, and some were just looking around. The red light meant to stop for vehicles, but for that boy, it signaled to begin his work to earn daily bread. He was around 14 years old, wearing stained t-shirt & shorts, disheveled hair, and looked like he hadn’t had bath for days. Animal toys made up of plastic was the product he was selling. As he moved to every bike and car, his eyes radiated need. The need for two-time meal for him and his family. He didn’t utter a word, only showed toys. People either nodded in rejection or neglected. But he was going to everyone without worrying about their reactions.

As he approached a guy on bike, he encountered something he might have forgotten. That guy on bike smiled at him. The guy was around 30 years of age, fair, van-dyke beard, wore a casual shirt & a pair of jeans, and flipped up the front part of helmet. His eyes radiated fascination for the little boy. The boy would have never thought of this reaction. People either disdained or pitied him for having to do what he was doing. The guy stared for a moment and took out wallet from back pocket. The boy was looking at him with a hope. The guy took out a hundred rupee note and asked whether he has change. He nodded. He handed over a cat toy as the guy handed over the note.

The boy peered at that hundred rupee note in bewilderment and amusement. The guy asked him to hurry by pointing toward the signal lights. The boy took out notes from the pocket of shorts. The toy might have costed 10 or 20 rupees. The boy handed over only three 10 rupee notes, taking out one note at a time. The guy asked him to hurry as he noticed 12 seconds remaining. The boy looked puzzled for a moment. He didn’t even know how much should be returned. He took out another 10 rupee note and gestured that he doesn’t have more.

Other vehicles had its ignition turned on. As the guy noticed the light was about to turn green and other vehicles are on the verge of moving, he asked the boy to keep that note safely, kept the wallet in the back pocket, flipped down the front part of helmet, and moved ahead. The boy kept the note in the pocket and crossed the road by dodging vehicles. As I looked for the guy on bike, he disappeared in the middle of the raging vehicles.

I wondered why does people say that humanity has vanished. No, humanity is alive. Though it is not evident to naked eyes, but it evident when looked closely. No one knew the circumstances in which that little boy had to do what he was doing. No one cared whether he was getting enough food, but that guy cared. That guy was not concerned about the unreturned money. He knew the unreturned money will not much different in his life, but it surely does in that little boy’s life. The boy, who should be in school learning mathematics was earning daily bread. He was around 15 years of age and didn’t know mathematics implies that he has been doing this for years. These small incidents of humanity, care, and concern for those deprived ones show that humanity will not vanish.

The crazy fact is, the faith on humanity is restored when the green colored note teaches a lesson on humanity.


 

(Image courtesy of jiggoja at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

I Want To Escape From Reality

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This poem is so close to me. I wrote this on the beach while reflecting back on life.


 

Stumbling, shivering, and sweating,
I entered my home as mom opened the door,
Father wasn’t in the home,
She noticed uneasiness and asked what happened?
I got two backlogs, I informed.
It was the final year of engineering result.
She said very good, sarcastically.
Her sarcasm displayed disappointment & sorrow.
As she turned away, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I realized I made the stupidest choice,
By not studying in the final semester,
And when I realized I don’t know answers,
I left the answer sheet blank,
Instead of trying to write anything that pops out.
I made a decision based on mood at that time,
Not based on what’s necessary, and above all,
Those backlog subjects were electives, chosen by me,
But now, the time is gone, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was waiting only for father’s reaction on that evening,
I knew he will be furious and go berserk,
But, he didn’t utter a word when mom informed him.
I was so ashamed and embarrassed to confront him,
So I sat in another room, frightened and disturbed,
And the whole evening went by without a word,
The next day, without a word.
The whole week, without a word.
And I realized he gave up talking to me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The journey of a misery began,
As I wake up I tried to study but couldn’t focus,
So I started reading novels to find an escape,
Fiction was the only place where I could live peacefully,
The reality was brutal, the world turned upside down,
I was the elder son who made a big mistake,
And after graduation, elder son doesn’t sit in home jobless,
These social dogmas made every day more miserable,
How am I going the time till I get the job? I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I locked myself in the house for the day time,
Because if I go out, that aunty will ask, hey boy,
What are you doing with your life,
With those backlogs on sheet?
How your mother will find a bride for your marriage?
And my mother also avoided meeting them,
I hurt me a lot noticing my mother,
Making excuses to avoid meeting and their false sympathy.
Those aunties made every effort to embarrass me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the home, I couldn’t fight with my brother,
Because if I do that, he counters,
With only one question, do you have 50 Rupees?
I want to recharge my phone.
Oh, how would you have the money?
You are in home whole day due to backlogs.
And of course, you have no job,
So even if I think of stealing from your wallet,
I know you’ll find nothing, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I was getting lonelier, but I had friends,
I thought they would understand me,
So I used to hang out with them,
And laugh uncontrollably and weirdly,
On the silliest jokes or without any jokes,
But they couldn’t identify it was sadness,
They said, you mad, stop being burden on your parents,
Oh, don’t think I need you the most right now, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I used to watch Suits, an American drama series,
I noticed the lead character, Harvey Spector,
He hides everything inside just like me,
Made morally wrong decisions just like me,
He is suffering for it just like me,
All the other lead characters follow this pattern,
And I started seeing myself in those characters,
I started living in that world and watching it over & over,
This is the perfect escape, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

How much I could watch, I need something else too,
I’ve been a fan of Eminem, the rapper Eminem,
But when I listened to him in those tough times,
I started relating to what he was saying in those songs,
I kept everything inside, and it felt like,
He is saying all those things I couldn’t,
He is expressing my feelings & emotions,
His raps helped me to relieve stress,
The music is healing me, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

And only one hour in whole day gave me pleasure,
From 8 to 9 in the evening, when I played football,
I used to play like there is no tomorrow,
I lost myself in it and nothing mattered, but the moment,
I had no thoughts about my miserable life,
I used to live the whole day for that one hour only,
But as I lay on the ground after finishing play,
All those thoughts of misery used to emerge,
Why the time ran so fast in that hour, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

The most embarrassing moment was asking money,
And hearing those giggles of younger brother,
While I used to ask to mom,
Father wasn’t talking to me at all,
And I was so ashamed and frightened,
To confront him and let his anger out,
Because I became so weak and lonely,
I could no longer bear more embarrassment, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

In the night, when everyone slept,
All the flashbacks of misery went through my mind,
So, I started jotting down my feelings in diaries,
I wrote stories, poems on loneliness as well,
Actually, the solitude was the gift for me,
I was at the peak of my creativity,
But these pieces of paper aren’t humans,
They don’t say I felt the same way,
Again I felt so isolated, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

These isolation, loneliness, and guilt,
They ruling my mind at that time,
When I used to go to bed and look at the life,
I just wanted to scream and scream loudly,
But I couldn’t, because I had to look nice & rational.
No one understood my guilt, my loneliness,
And I squeezed everything inside,
I want to get hurt so badly,
So I will scream in a rational way, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

I cleared my backlogs somehow,
And got a freelancing job in writing,
Which I had to do from home only.
But no, this isn’t a real job, mom said,
This job saved a lot of embarrassment,
As I didn’t have to ask money to mom.
But father still talks to me through mom,
He doesn’t speak to me directly,
Even though I made up for my mistakes, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though these times helped me to get closer to me,
Helped to become more creative,
Helped me to become a better writer,
Helped me to know more about myself,
Helped me to know true face of people,
Helped me to learn a lot,
Helped me to realize the power of solitude,
But, I had no acceptance though I had a job,
The isolation and loneliness continue, I cried,
I want to escape from reality.

Though I was earning money & lonely,
I stayed away from alcohol & drugs,
And all those things that helps people,
To escape from reality,
Because I didn’t want to hurt my parents anymore,
By coming home in a state I don’t know about,
I knew my mother hasn’t slept well,
And my father gave up talking to me,
I let them down, I cried.
I want to escape from reality.

And the day came, when my writing skills mattered,
I got the job in writing, a full-time job,
I have to go to office, 9-6,
And everything fell in place,
I got the job I wanted,
I knew engineering is not for me,
I will get acceptance gradually,
The only thing I craved for at that moment,
And I no longer had to escape from reality,

The crazy fact,
If there is anything I learnt,
From all these moments of struggle,
Misery, isolation, guilt, loneliness,
And laughing uncontrollably without reason,
From finding escape from reality,
To discovering what I want to do for life,
Is this,
It’s not what we do that makes us,
It’s the choices we make that shapes us.

As I Realized The Truth Doesn’t Have Shades

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As I woke up,
I noticed it was light outside,
Oh, no..!! I missed it.
I checked out time,
It was 6 in the morning.
Last time I saw,
It was 4:55 am and dark outside.

As my friends wanted this trip to beach,
For drinking and smoking,
And losing themselves.
For me, it was about,
Sitting at the shore alone,
And watching the transition,
From darkness to light.

As I decided not to sleep,
I couldn’t settle and gazed about those shades,
And everyone settled after showing,
New shades of their personalities
And reflecting on their lives.
I lay down for a moment,
And my eyes gave up.

As I missed that opportunity,
I thought I should see what’s left.
I noticed sun hasn’t risen yet,
So I can watch the palette of colors,
As sun rises on the horizon,
And water reflects those colors,
And I can reflect on my life.

As I rushed to the shore instantly,
I entered and stopped for a while,
Then, I realized eyes have limits.
They can see up to the horizon only,
So we have got imagination,
To see beyond horizon
And create an unimaginable world.

As I walked barefoot on white sand,
I could see a trail of footsteps,
Telling me, that’s what happens,
Wherever you go, whatever you do,
The trail will be left, though it’s unseen to you,
The footprints will remain in people’s minds,
About how you made them feel about themselves.

As I glanced at the sea,
The blustery winds blew my hair,
The turbulent and massive sea,
Was calling me out and mess with it,
And I thought of diving in the middle of it,
And what will happen to me,
The thought sent shivers down my spine.

As I saw the roaring waves coming and going,
What does that tell you?
The life is a turbulent sea,
These ebb tides and flood tides,
Are happiness and sadness.
They will come and go,
So stay strong, this, too, shall pass.

As I see no signs of sun,
It’s all white and black.
Then why am I here? I should go.
But it started drizzling instantly,
And I closed my eyes and felt every drop.
The sun was telling, by hiding behind clouds,
Forget everything and feel the moment.

As I heard a chirping sound,
I saw birds were hovering over,
Humming a tune in unison,
How beautiful it was!
Even though you don’t get what you want,
They were saying, there is always,
Something more beautiful awaiting you.

As I thought of going back to room,
Do I have anything more to see,
Anything new to experience?
And I realized what about reflecting,
Back on life and finding the truths,
And accepting them,
No matter how much I refuse to.

As I started contemplating,
I could see everything,
In white and black,
No complications, no manipulation,
A white truth about black reality,
It hits like a bullet,
Fired from a point black range.

As the crazy fact is,
The sun was making sure,
The shades he reflects on clouds,
Those black and white colors,
Helped me to get my mind straight,
Because the truth doesn’t have shades,
Only manipulation inserts shades in it.

All Of My Life, I Waited Too…

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This post is a sequel of  All Of My Life, I Waited…


All of my life,
I waited too for you to blush,
After I say hello with smile,
I enjoyed your shyness.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too to sing many songs for you,
Only you were the one,
Who engrossed fully in my voice.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too for you to make eye contacts,
So I could see that adoration in your eyes,
Your eyes expressed everything honestly.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too for your nonsense jokes,
I never noticed about what you said,
But that innocence with which you said.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too for you to listen to me,
Only you understood my anger,
You were the one I found so close.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too to celebrate my glories with you,
When you congratulated me,
I could see your eyes overflowing with happiness.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too to talk trash and go crazy,
And, you didn’t try to get me back to normal,
Instead, you started talking trash and went crazy with me.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too to fall in love with you, again and again,
I had flaws, but you made me feel special about me.
Only you accepted me as the way I am.
But, you thought I never cared.

All of my life,
I waited too for more than one gestures,
To express my love openly & wholeheartedly,
Yes, I loved you more than anything.
But, you thought I never cared.

And now,

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because now I wonder if you ever loved me,
Why don’t you listen to me once?

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
And I’ll tell you now, why I’m glad?
You don’t have the slightest idea what I had gone through.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because my parents and all my relatives turned against me,
When I told them I want to spend my life with you.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because you were afraid to come to my father,
And ask for my hand like a gentleman.

I had to care about being a nice girl,
Because knowing my father’s aura and position,
And you never dared to confront my father.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because you chose your safety over our love at that time.
I fought for us and you only asked, what’s going on?

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Though you chose safety, I decided to choose love.
And I fought with them every moment for us.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Knowing I am not going to change my mind,
My father tried to commit suicide.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Fortunately, my uncle saved him and I had no choice.
To care about social dogmas and marry that guy.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Though I apologized you thousand times,
You never tried to understand me.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because you never took responsibility,
For what happened to us, you only blamed me.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because I realized, my father was giving away his life,
Not for the social dogmas, but for a loser like you.

I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because, my husband always tries to understand me,
And stays by my side whenever I need him.

The crazy fact,
I’m glad I cared about being a nice girl,
Because it’s not them,
It’s you,
Who took my existence for granted,
When I needed you the most.


 

(Image courtesy of radnatt at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

When You Wish For a Miracle and Tragedy Happens

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“No, you can’t see my answers. Write your own. Or I’ll tell teacher,” I instructed Kamlesh.

“Hey, please! Show me. I don’t know any answer. Or teacher will punish me,” he replied.

We were in 4th standard. Kamlesh was my bench-mate. We were not good friends. But, we have to sit on the same bench as per seating arrangements made by teacher. He was an average student, thin, scraggly hair, fair, and had scrawl handwriting. He used to speak in Jalgaon Marathi accent, which was so irritating to me. Honestly, I never liked him. He was untidy and used to mutter something to himself often. I never wanted bench-mate like him.

I didn’t show him answers and teacher did not come to our bench. So, he got away this time again. And, I hated the fact that he used to get away every time. The day finished as usual. I used to always hope for a miracle at the end of the day. I always wished that teacher’s mind would have changed because of some miracle or anything. Something should happen on the next day and I get another bench-mate. I could not tolerate him for another day.

* * * *

Next day, my neighbor aunt rushed to our home with a newspaper in hand. She looked horrified. My mother asked her what happened and why was she rushing.

She said pointing to news, “A boy from Camp Education School died yesterday evening in bus accident.”

That was my school.

She continued, “He was in 4th standard. He jerked his hand from mother’s hand, ran across the street, and collided to bus. He died on the spot.”

My mother was shocked and took newspaper from her. She informed that the name of boy was Kamlesh Chaudhary. She asked me whether he was from my class as we had two divisions for each standard.

“Yes, he is my bench-mate,” I replied immediately without knowing the sobriety of news.

“He died yesterday in bus accident,” she informed again.

I had no reaction. I didn’t believe it. Tearful and misty-eyed face of neighbor aunt was telling me that it was a serious news. But, the news was difficult to digest. It was hard to understand the meaning of ‘died’ at that age. I could not believe that he was gone. Dying meant that he was not coming back to class again. My mother was reading the entire news and aunt was silent. I didn’t know how to react. I could not imagine he was not coming to class on that day.

* * * *

The news shattered everyone in school. The tribute was paid in general assembly session. Teachers were grieving. Classmates was looking at me or at my bench in my class. Some of them were advising me to not to keep my hand on his place. There might be his ghost, they warned me. Teachers used to come in class and ask me how I was feeling. I replied ‘bad’ to everyone. I was wondering why every teacher was asking me. He was not my good friend. I replied same to everyone, because I had a belief that people feel bad when someone dies. I was not feeling anything at that moment. I did not know the seriousness of situation.

* * * *

When I think about this incident now, I feel ashamed of myself. I felt nothing. How can I be so cold? The life is too small to hate someone. Everything changes in a blink of an eye. I cannot imaging how his parents felt at that time? Was his mother able to recover from this tragedy? She wouldn’t have slept for countless nights. When her mind rests from daily activities, those miserable moments would have been flashing in her mind. She might still be having imaginary conversations with her son about which dish he would like to have for dinner? She would have been turning pages of his notebook and caressing words on those pages. Screaming out her lungs to remind him of finishing his homework. I never know, she would have been packing his school bag for next few days. His father would have been missing the face that blossoms when he enters home after having a long day at work. He would never have a moment when he sees his sandals fitting perfectly into his son’s feet and realize his son has been grown up. No one could imagine what his parents were going through at that point of time.

Today, I don’t know how they are. Are they able to recover? Parents would suffer and recover from any tragedy. But, no mother would want to see the god calling her son in front of her eyes. And I felt nothing at that time. How heartless, spineless, and cold I was! I feel guilty that I didn’t try to understand him, spent every minute disdaining him. I have always been judgmental. In the end, all I did was, give a robotic response of feeling bad for the loss. I never wanted a miracle to happen in this way.

The crazy fact is, I wished for a miracle, but tragedy happened.


 

(Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

The Biggest Agony

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The biggest agony in life,
to live with the realization,
some questions will remain unanswered
.
.
.
.
for the rest of the life.


(Image courtesy of Master isolated images at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

On A Bad Day

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“Hey, Jeet!! Why are you looking sad?” asked Dia.

“I am sad,” replied Jeet.

“Yeah, I know. But, why?”

“It’s just another bad day.”

“What happened?”

“I was going to attend my friend’s wedding. We were supposed to leave at 8’o’clock in the morning. Bus came so late that we left at 9:30. This is how we spent next 8 hours. 3 hours of travelling to the place of wedding, 1 hour at the wedding and 4 hours travelling back to home.”

“What? 7 hours of travelling for just 1 hour?”

“Yes, we reached just before the ceremony.”

“Or just before wedding meal?”

“Please, don’t start!”

“Ohkk, ohkk!!”

“Then I thought I will go to play football and have fun. But again to my disappointment, only 4 players were there. No fun.”

“Anything more?”

“Yes. I submitted an article on women empowerment and it got rejected because someone submitted on that topic before me.”

The crazy fact is, on the bad day, if anything goes wrong, everything goes wrong successively.


(Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net)